Now, you don’t exist on this planet for 38 years without picking up a few tricks.
I’m talking about those vital little life lessons that you wish you could take back in time with you, and impart to your younger self, to save yourself a whole pile of confusion, anguish and embarrassment.
Of course, I’m now far too ancient to truly benefit from these revelations, so I plan to pass these golden nuggets on to my two girls instead.
I’m quite sure they won’t listen to a single word of it. In fact, they’ll probably only concede I was right all along when they’re also way too old to put them to good use.
But at least then I get to look all smug, and say: ‘I told you so!’ (I’m looking forward to that part already…)
So, behold, the most valuable advice to pass on to your children; I like to call them, ‘The Mummy Commandments’.
• Always be kind and considerate – there’s nothing ‘cool’ about being rude. But don’t let people walk all over you either.
• Boys will be mean – really mean – until you’re well into your teens, and probably beyond. Don’t take it personally and do not let them get you down (or, if they do get you down, don’t let them see it!).
• Get your eyebrows threaded or professionally shaped. DO NOT go near them yourself with tweezers! One over-zealous tweezing sesh can take months to put right.
• Remember that the Mean Girls of today are the underachievers of tomorrow. Bide your time – you will get the last laugh.
• Don’t drive too fast. It’s not cool or clever.
• Resist the urge get an overdraft or a credit card. It always feels like free money, but just when you’ve spent it all, the bank will ask for it back – and more.
• Don’t chew gum. It just looks yucky.
• Appreciate your sister. She’ll drive you nuts, but your family will always be there for you.
• Don’t talk with your mouth full. And while we’re talking table manners – use your knife and fork properly, and close them when you’ve finished eating.
• Stand up for yourself, and other people. If you disagree with the way you, or someone else, is being treated, don’t be afraid to speak up.
• Don’t use cheap fake tan – it’s always worth forking out more for the good stuff (unless you actually like bright orange zebra stripes).
• Always say please, and thank you – even if people are being rude to you. There’s something very satisfying about taking the moral high ground.
• Don’t brush your teeth too hard – the dentist isn’t lying when he says you’ll wear your gums away.
• Don’t believe everything you see and hear – especially when it comes to gossip. Find out the facts, and make your own decisions.
• Invest in a good pair of eyelash curlers.
• Don’t judge. Just because someone lives differently to you, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Stay loyal to your friends, but tell them the truth if you don’t totally agree with what they’re doing.
• Always wear your seatbelt, yes – even when you’re just going down the road.
• Don’t start smoking; you’ll only have to stop again when you realise how disgusting it is, and that part really sucks.
• See the world. If no one will come with you, see it by yourself.
• Don’t be intimidated by people who seem to be perfect. They’re not.
• Turn your music down a notch – you’ll really mess up your hearing. And invest in a decent pair of sunglasses – not only will you save your eyes from sun damage, you’ll save some dosh on Botox too.
• Wear SPF 15 moisturiser on your face every day – even in winter.
• Don’t bitch behind people’s backs. If you have a problem, say something or get over it.
• Stop worrying about what other people think of you, and just be happy!!
Do you have any pearls of wisdom to pass on to your little ones?